Damn right life isn't fair!!!

Nicole has a valid point about how life isn't fair but her point that life is GOOD totally overrides it. I had a craptastic day. Things were dandy until about 2pm. We got to sleep in and I worked at the greenhouse. Gavin then reminded me (thank god) that he had a basketball game today. I honestly thought it was tomorrow. So instead of going to an early movie (Marley and Me), I watched him play basketball. Watching the game was great...always enjoy watching kids have fun. He's in a Christian-based basketball league so fairness, equality, etc are a big focus. I immediately noticed before half time that Gavin was sitting out more than anyone else. Last year everyone sat out for an equal amount of time and I'm pretty sure that rule still stands. The kids also get iron-on colored stars after the game depending on if you did well with defense, offense, effort, sportsmanship, etc. Everyone is supposed to get a star and the coach hands out stars to 5 out of the 7 kids. He then makes a comment that anyone that didn't get a star needs to try harder and do better next week. I should have said something then and there but the coach is new and I didn't want to make a scene in front of all the parents. I tried to pull him aside after but he wasn't available and really seemed to be in a hurry to leave. I did speak the the lady in charge of the program though and she was not happy. Apparently the guy has not read through his coach's manual (since it's his first time coaching) and she keeps having to correct him about protocol and procedures for the program. Anyway, by the time I left the building I was extremely irritated.

I was bothered by something else during the game. I feel bad about this but it's becoming more and more apparent that Gavin isn't very athletic. Most people would think "big deal, have him do something else besides sports." Well I'm big into sports and I really look forward to watching him play games in middle school and high school. Most sports came easy to me but Gavin struggled with flag football this fall and he's also struggling with basketball. I know he's still young but the skill difference between him and the other 3rd/4th grade boys is becoming more obvious. He still enjoys the game but he's realizing that the other boys aren't passing to him much and he does usually turn the ball over or make a mistake if he does get the ball. I feel bad but I can't help but feel disappointed about it all.

Back to Nicole's point though....yes some of my comments and opinions about life don't seem to be fair but I'm damn lucky to have a healthy and happy child. I wish I would think of those things first before critiquing his athleticism but I guess that's part of being human sometimes.

Anyway, the peak of my anger occurred at good 'ol Walmart. I bumped into "Mr. Football" (yes I actually call him that). He and I have hung out for about six months now. Even had a discussion around Thanksgiving about dating. Well I bumped into him and said "hi". He proceeded to say "Do I know you?" and turned around and walked away. I also saw him by the registers and he had a "I'm in trouble" and sort of a "sorry" look on his face. He was with a coworker I believe and Gavin was with me. I don't see why I'm so embarassing to acknowledge. I honestly thought he and I had a nice, solid friendship (yes there were other perks) but his behavior today was intolerable. He made me feel cheap and my self-esteem immediately plunged to an all time low as he walked away. And guess what I did? Gavin and I went to Hickory Park after our shopping trip and I attempted to eat the bad feelings away. Not only do I still feel emotionally hurt after the meal, I physically feel sick from my choice of food. I had planned on getting a salad but changed my mind right when our order was taken. I had a grilled cheese and French Fries. Gavin and I also shared breaded cheese balls. In the past, before I started to make lifestyle changes, the food may have made me feel better. But now that I have goals and a mission to be healthier, I hate what I did. It didn't work and it's keeping me another day away from hopping back onto my Weight Watcher's routine.

A mixture of saddness, anger, and guilt overwhelmed me on the way home. I had to pull over and just cry for awhile. I'm so unhappy with the state of my life right now. And deep down I know that if I get my eating/exercise under control other things would fall into place. I really need to keep my spirits high this month since it marks the anniversary of a death in our family. I don't want Gavin to see me constantly unhappy. After more of these feelings fade, I'll write again so I can set up some goals for the week and proceed with my Weight Watcher's program. If I lose this week, it is going be such an uplifting time for me.

Thanks for listening to my rants and raves.