Love Hunger #8

Yo-

Yea I need to get back on track. I feel so drained and tired all the time and I know its due to my eating. Anyone want to drive here and give me a swift kick in the ass?

Here is the next section of Love Hunger:

How do you feel about your appearance? Do you hide your body? I don't like the majority of my body anymore. If I had to pick three most unlikeable areas I'd say my midsection, my arms, and my thighs. The weight gain in my arms is the newest area to change on my body. A couple years ago I still had thin/toned arms. Now I have flab. I do hide my body. I'm not comfortable wearing revealing clothes. One main reason I don't like dressing up is because dressy shirts often cling or show curves (or rolls). Some of the trendy designs also made me look pregnant because shirts are tighter on top but flowing around the midsection. I'm really not going for the pregnant look. Even when I was much thinner (220 lbs), I would wear layers. I'd wear a form fitting tshirt/tank top and a button down shirt (often a man's button down shirt) so I could hide curves and my body. I then downgraded in the recent years to wearing hoodies over tshirts to hide myself.

Did your parents ever compliment you as a kid? I was told by my parents that I was pretty...my mom did it more often though. It was more of a shock when I heard my dad say something.

Are/were you happy to be your gender? Or did you ever desire to be the other gender? Did you ever get the impression that your parents wanted the other gender? Quite frankly I think I was supposed to be a boy and something went awry. I'm not very girly, most girly things really don't appeal to me. I prefer more masculine clothing too. Thank god I like dudes and not chicks. (not that there is anything wrong with being gay!) I think my parents would have liked one boy....but I don't think they are crushed by only have female offspring.

Did your parents talk to you about sex....wow this is a good question!!! Now my mom says she did talk to me about sex. I beg to differ. She and I had a talk about getting my period once and that's it. I'm not ragging on my mom or anything but it really bothered me when I was interrogated after I got pregnant and accused of not listening to advice that I did not receive. I never got a sex talk. But I did try asking sex questions since I was very young (living at our first house so I had to be younger than 12). I also tried to ask things about birth control but I the subject was often changed quickly by mom. I could tell she was usually surprised and uncomfortable which after awhile made me feel uncomfortable so I just stopped asking. I got the bulk of my sex education from my friends and talk at school. I didn't even receive it in health class at school. My health teacher basically skipped over sex education. I did learn a lot about nutrition LOL and drugs though. I don't know if having "the sex talk" would have changed anything or any of my actions. I was rather hell bent on being rebellious. This topic has affected my parenting with Gavin. Believe it or not, he's had questions already. I answer them straight up, I don't get uncomfortable, and I don't make him feel stupid. I plan on being like this until he's 30 so he makes better decisions.

Last question....do you think you'll truly be happier when you lose your desired weight? I don't have a definite answer for this. I know my happiness will improve because I'm so hung up about my apperance now a days. But I know I'll constantly worry about maintaining my weight loss. I may not fully trust myself around food again and that doesn't lead to happiness. A lot of other non-weight topics affect my happiness too: finding a good man, having a fulfilling career, being a good mom, etc. Not sure I answered that well but that's all I'm saying tonight.