Grief is funny. Well, not funny per se but it is an interesting phenomenon. Just when I feel like I have it under control a whole new facet opens up. I had a really rough day on Sunday and I can't even begin to tell you why. I don't know what it is about some days but I just wake up and everything hits me all over again. It's been almost 8 months since my mom passed away and there are times I don't feel like I'm adjusting well. After Sunday, I realize that I'm not the only one with a long road ahead.
Sunday was Hailee's birthday and the family was all in Charles City for the celebration. Tasha and Cody let Hailee have 4 friends spend a night with them in a hotel room where they got to go swimming, order pizza and watch movies. While they were doing the party thing Bob and Diane were watching the other kids at the house. At some point in the evening Taylor, the oldest, threw a fit. He didn't just have an attitude, he threw himself on the floor kicking and yelling. Now you have to understand, Taylor didn't even do this when he was little. Something was not right. Diane and Bob diffused the situation but told Tasha and Cody about it on Sunday when they showed up at the hotel for party part II. Later that night when they asked Taylor about it he confessed that the reason he was acting up is because when he sees Bob he misses my mom and it makes him so sad that it makes him mad and he doesn't know how to deal with that. He called Bob and apologized and all is well between them. Bob explained that it makes him sad to see the kids too because grandma loved them so much but we have to talk about these things and not get mad at each other. I had already been having a very emotional day and this pushed me over the edge. I was on the phone with Tasha and we were both sobbing.
We all thought the kids were doing well. Tasha and Cody told them that even though it made us sad, sometimes people had to leave and do important work for God. They understood and after the initial shock wore off they seemed to be adjusting. This situation with Taylor was unexpected. They've been having some issues with Hailee too. They had her school conference last week and while she is well behaved, she is significantly behind where she needs to be, especially if she's going to be entering kindergarten next year. They are going to set up testing for her but one of the things that was brought up was that this might also be a result of her not knowing how to deal with some of the feelings that she's having.
Cody and Tasha are really shaken right now. They feel like they are terrible parents and that they should be able to deal with these issues. When I was talking to Tasha I realized that they probably can't handle this on their own for the same reason I wouldn't be able to. We're still sad and angry and we don't understand why this happened, how can we possibly help them understand? I think they've decided to look into grief counseling for the kids, maybe the whole family which I think is a good idea. I've seen some things in Tasha and Cody over the last months that make me think they're not coping with this either.
Before this weekend I thought I was the only one still struggling on a regular basis. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone but it makes me sad that I'm so far away and can't be there for them. Then again, I don't know what my being there would accomplish. I'm really afraid that something broke inside of me and I don't know how to fix it. I don't even feel like myself anymore and I would really like to. On top of this fear, I'm so frustrated with myself for not being strong enough to deal. My mom always said that if something happened to her she wanted me to make the decisions because Karla and Cody were too soft hearted and that I was tough like her. I don't normally question my mom but sometimes I think she missed the mark on this.
Anyway, I don't want you guys worrying about me, I really am OK. I just have my days and I need to get my feelings out or I'll explode and let me tell you, it would be a bomb of snot and tears...not pretty. I talk to my family but I try not to unload too much on them because they worry about me being out here by myself. My mom was right, I am tough like her but even tough girls have their emotional moments.
3 comments:
The ironic thing is that I completely understand at this point. I can't say I've lost my mother or anything that serious, but I am recently single after a seven-year relationship. I feel like I am experiencing some of the same heartache. Please forgive me for comparing a break-up to a death.
I thought I was doing well, but it seems to be getting worse rather than better. I broke down crying twice at school, which is embarrassing to say the least. All I can think about is Jason and our relationship, which makes work difficult. The hardest time is when I am home alone. We just have so many memories together. It feels me with so much pain and depression to know that they are permanently over and that the past seven years are basically lost and a waste.
I'm also frustrated and fearful. I'm frustrated, because deep down I know that we weren't right for each other/it just wasn't working. But knowing that doesn't really help anything, which is frustrating. My emotions are completely overruling my brain. I'm fearful, because I am alone. I have friends, but no one really close. I'm fearful about being alone for a long time. I'm not used to this. I am used to having someone waiting for me when I get home, lying next to me at night, etc.
I'm tearing up as I write this. Maybe this was a bad idea. My point was not to ramble about me, which I did. My point was that in an odd, unrelated way, I feel very similar to you. I don't feel like myself. Some days are good, some are bad. My heart is always quaking. My brain is trying to have the power, but it rarely does.
I feel for you.
P.S. It's sad to hear that your family is struggling, but like you said, at least you are not alone. It just goes to show that your mom must have had quite the impact on you all - which is a good thing.
LeAnn, I'm sorry that you're hurting. I don't underestimate the feelings of grief after ending a 7 year relationship. Even if it was for the best it must be immensely difficult. Our feelings are very much the same. I've found myself in tears at work too and I was crying as I was typing this entry...which was at work but thank God I was in the Holter lab and by myself.
I guess recognizing these feelings and being able to talk about them is the best thing at this point. Nothing anybody says or does can really make it easier but just knowing that there are people out there who are willing to try does. I don't know if that makes sense written out but it does in my head.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and someday we'll both be able to move on.
Wowser....I took some time at work today and wandered to our blog and was surprised by the recent entry. The ability to mourn, grieve, and cope are so painful at times yet it's a blessing that we are able to do so. I say it's a blessing because over time (time lines vary of course) the pain is not so acute and sharp. Throughout life, whether it's a death or the end of a relationship, there will still be pain and grieving but acceptance helps to dull the strong feelings.
As you know already Nicole, the time line and progression for grieving don't necessary follow any rhyme or reason. It's comforting to know that you're accepting that grief will make it's appearance at unannounced times. It's sad to hear how your niece and nephew are reacting but it's relieving that your family is letting them feel and acknowledge their feelings. Adults often have a hard time understanding or accepting loss and it worries me so when children must deal with loss too.
Fact of the matter is that I'm bummed that both of you have to deal with your life changes but I'm grateful that you are willing to deal with your transitions in a healthy matter (which often is crying and crying some more).
I wish my caboose was online more often at night so you could vent and chit chat with me. It's frustrating since I could use some chat time to relax too!
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