Yo-
Yea I need to get back on track. I feel so drained and tired all the time and I know its due to my eating. Anyone want to drive here and give me a swift kick in the ass?
Here is the next section of Love Hunger:
How do you feel about your appearance? Do you hide your body? I don't like the majority of my body anymore. If I had to pick three most unlikeable areas I'd say my midsection, my arms, and my thighs. The weight gain in my arms is the newest area to change on my body. A couple years ago I still had thin/toned arms. Now I have flab. I do hide my body. I'm not comfortable wearing revealing clothes. One main reason I don't like dressing up is because dressy shirts often cling or show curves (or rolls). Some of the trendy designs also made me look pregnant because shirts are tighter on top but flowing around the midsection. I'm really not going for the pregnant look. Even when I was much thinner (220 lbs), I would wear layers. I'd wear a form fitting tshirt/tank top and a button down shirt (often a man's button down shirt) so I could hide curves and my body. I then downgraded in the recent years to wearing hoodies over tshirts to hide myself.
Did your parents ever compliment you as a kid? I was told by my parents that I was pretty...my mom did it more often though. It was more of a shock when I heard my dad say something.
Are/were you happy to be your gender? Or did you ever desire to be the other gender? Did you ever get the impression that your parents wanted the other gender? Quite frankly I think I was supposed to be a boy and something went awry. I'm not very girly, most girly things really don't appeal to me. I prefer more masculine clothing too. Thank god I like dudes and not chicks. (not that there is anything wrong with being gay!) I think my parents would have liked one boy....but I don't think they are crushed by only have female offspring.
Did your parents talk to you about sex....wow this is a good question!!! Now my mom says she did talk to me about sex. I beg to differ. She and I had a talk about getting my period once and that's it. I'm not ragging on my mom or anything but it really bothered me when I was interrogated after I got pregnant and accused of not listening to advice that I did not receive. I never got a sex talk. But I did try asking sex questions since I was very young (living at our first house so I had to be younger than 12). I also tried to ask things about birth control but I the subject was often changed quickly by mom. I could tell she was usually surprised and uncomfortable which after awhile made me feel uncomfortable so I just stopped asking. I got the bulk of my sex education from my friends and talk at school. I didn't even receive it in health class at school. My health teacher basically skipped over sex education. I did learn a lot about nutrition LOL and drugs though. I don't know if having "the sex talk" would have changed anything or any of my actions. I was rather hell bent on being rebellious. This topic has affected my parenting with Gavin. Believe it or not, he's had questions already. I answer them straight up, I don't get uncomfortable, and I don't make him feel stupid. I plan on being like this until he's 30 so he makes better decisions.
Last question....do you think you'll truly be happier when you lose your desired weight? I don't have a definite answer for this. I know my happiness will improve because I'm so hung up about my apperance now a days. But I know I'll constantly worry about maintaining my weight loss. I may not fully trust myself around food again and that doesn't lead to happiness. A lot of other non-weight topics affect my happiness too: finding a good man, having a fulfilling career, being a good mom, etc. Not sure I answered that well but that's all I'm saying tonight.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Love Hunger #7
Ready for some more deep thinking ladies? Here are some questions from Love Hunger.
Do you remember being criticized during childhood? Did authority figures criticize you? Or were you given support? I don't remember anyone criticizing me about my weight or anything when I grew up. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been more conscious about things if I had been criticized a little. But maybe I'd be more wacky about my weight and stuff if I had been criticized. I would have to say that I was supported about how I looked, did in school, etc.
What about today? Do you feel you are criticized or supported? I do feel like I am judged when people look at me at work. So in a sense they are criticizing me with me with their eyes. My family hasn't criticized me as I have gotten heavier. And when I've tried to lose weight in the past I was supported. I do feel bad though as LeAnn has brought to my attention that I did make fun of her for her weight. Honestly don't remember doing it but it sucks nontheless.
Do you accept compliments well or do you doubt them? I do not take compliments well. I usually discount them on the spot. Like if someone tells me I look nice when I dress up I'll say something like, "Yea, its because I'm wearing black and it's slimming." I usually think people are just being nice. Blah.
Do you really like yourself? Do you find yourself saying "if so-and-so really knew me, he or she would not like me so much"? I do like myself but have areas I'd like to imprve. I wish I was more patient at times. I wish I was more disciplined and organized. I wish I could wake up early like a normal adult! Sadly I think I'd like myself more if I was thinner and a desireable weight. I find that odd though because I typically like people based on what is on the inside...not the outside. Why can't I turn that line of thinking around on myself?
I think people like me and they'd like me even if they knew everything about me. I'm weird, goofy, nice, and I usually rub people the right way. Ha that sounds dirty.
Do you consider yourself to be a good friend? Yes I do. I love talking with my friends. I enjoy hanging out with them. I do think I could be a better listener though. I do talk to most of my friends at the end of the day when I'm pooped so it can be hard to focus. I'm also weird and I love sending cards to friends for holidays and birthdays. I try to be thoughtful and helpful when needed.
I didn't go to Weight Watchers today. I'm currently scared of my weight. I keep saying I'll get back on track and go to the next meeting but I don't. See my discipline sucks!
Do you remember being criticized during childhood? Did authority figures criticize you? Or were you given support? I don't remember anyone criticizing me about my weight or anything when I grew up. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been more conscious about things if I had been criticized a little. But maybe I'd be more wacky about my weight and stuff if I had been criticized. I would have to say that I was supported about how I looked, did in school, etc.
What about today? Do you feel you are criticized or supported? I do feel like I am judged when people look at me at work. So in a sense they are criticizing me with me with their eyes. My family hasn't criticized me as I have gotten heavier. And when I've tried to lose weight in the past I was supported. I do feel bad though as LeAnn has brought to my attention that I did make fun of her for her weight. Honestly don't remember doing it but it sucks nontheless.
Do you accept compliments well or do you doubt them? I do not take compliments well. I usually discount them on the spot. Like if someone tells me I look nice when I dress up I'll say something like, "Yea, its because I'm wearing black and it's slimming." I usually think people are just being nice. Blah.
Do you really like yourself? Do you find yourself saying "if so-and-so really knew me, he or she would not like me so much"? I do like myself but have areas I'd like to imprve. I wish I was more patient at times. I wish I was more disciplined and organized. I wish I could wake up early like a normal adult! Sadly I think I'd like myself more if I was thinner and a desireable weight. I find that odd though because I typically like people based on what is on the inside...not the outside. Why can't I turn that line of thinking around on myself?
I think people like me and they'd like me even if they knew everything about me. I'm weird, goofy, nice, and I usually rub people the right way. Ha that sounds dirty.
Do you consider yourself to be a good friend? Yes I do. I love talking with my friends. I enjoy hanging out with them. I do think I could be a better listener though. I do talk to most of my friends at the end of the day when I'm pooped so it can be hard to focus. I'm also weird and I love sending cards to friends for holidays and birthdays. I try to be thoughtful and helpful when needed.
I didn't go to Weight Watchers today. I'm currently scared of my weight. I keep saying I'll get back on track and go to the next meeting but I don't. See my discipline sucks!
Boys...
I believe that when I blogged earlier this week I promised that I would write another entry focusing on my relationships with the boys. Although my original intent was to write right away, I got distracted with phone calls. So here are my thoughts on my relationship with boys.
As long as I can remember I always had 1 boy in my life who was a close friend. There was never anything flirty or romantic for the most part. It was just me and this dude who I could hang out with. When I was very young there was a kid who lived a block away (I honestly don't remember her name) and he was my best friend until I started kindergarten (we moved to another town at that time). When I was in elementary I was friends with Johnathan Eastman. He and I had to do speech together (damn S's) and we were always in the same class. He always picked me to be his partner gym class too...he pretty much rocked as far as I was concerned. Even though he's the only boy who really sticks out in memories in my early elementary days I know that I hung out with the guys a lot. I always got along with the boys better than the girls...even at a young age I couldn't handle the ridiculous drama that goes along with a lot of female relationships, not to mention I was a bit of a tomboy...I didn't really do the doll or barbie thing (unless I was making my barbies do very naughty things). In junior high I again had 1 close guy friend. His name was Channing and I think I liked him. He was actually the first guy that I slow danced with...sorry, getting all nostalgic talking about the past! Anyway, again, he was one of my closet friends. I always felt very comfortable around him. There were other guys that I was friends with but I wouldn't say that I was close to them. I never really thought much about guys growing up. I hung out with my male friends and kind of left the rest of the boys to themselves. Sure, there was always the cute boy in the class but other than that I never really thought much about them.
When I got to high school I think things definitely changed. In high school, my closest friends for the most part were girls. There were guys that I was around a lot and we were friends but looking back none of them were terribly close friends. I didn't really spend any time with guys in high school outside of group things. We either did things as friends in a group or we were in the same activities and hung out at practices, church things, competitions etc. I think for the average person, high school is where their relationships with the opposite sex change from having friendly overtones to romantic. For me, not so much. It's kind of hard to admit, and a lot of people think it's really, really weird, but I've never been in a relationship with a guy. I first noticed in high school that I had a lot of 1-sided crushes. The guys that I liked didn't like me and the guys who liked me were usually creepy old or way to freaking young. Hell, I got hit on by one of our student teachers when I was 15! I constantly get hit on by men who are my parents age or older. While this can be creepy at times, at least its not illegal. When I was 21, there was a 17 year old boy from back home who seriously wanted me to be his girlfriend...it lasted for a summer and I had to stop being his friend because it just got weird. The summer before I started grad school (mind you, I was almost 23) a 16 year old asked me out...eeewww! I guess what I'm trying to get at is that boys my age didn't really like me.
When I got to college, this trend did not stop. I would meet guys, they would think I was great (I'm a chick who likes to talk sports, I'm not overly moody or dramatic which can be a rare find in college aged women) and I would end up in the friend role (mind you, this whole time the old guys were still hitting on me in full force). I actually had a friend who once told me that if I was serious about having a relationship I would have to meet the guy on a blind date because no man that got to know me he would want to date me, I'd just be a friend...ouch (she thought she was trying to be helpful, I wanted to rip off her face). I try not to let her words infuriate me, and I try to not let my total lack of dating bother me, there are still times when it would be nice to know that there was or at least will be, one guy who likes me. On the much brighter side, I do have some really amazing guy friends right now. In my group of friends there are a handful of boys who I love dearly and would not change my relationship with for any sum of money...for the most part!
I think my whole life I've had normal friendships with boys. My romantic aspirations are farily dysfunctional but I've learned to live with that...it's nothing new. I guess when all is said and done, I choose to be happy about what wonderful friendships I have in my life and try to ignore everything else. Some days its easier than others but I just keep telling myself that people don't die from being single so it's pretty unlikely that I will!
As long as I can remember I always had 1 boy in my life who was a close friend. There was never anything flirty or romantic for the most part. It was just me and this dude who I could hang out with. When I was very young there was a kid who lived a block away (I honestly don't remember her name) and he was my best friend until I started kindergarten (we moved to another town at that time). When I was in elementary I was friends with Johnathan Eastman. He and I had to do speech together (damn S's) and we were always in the same class. He always picked me to be his partner gym class too...he pretty much rocked as far as I was concerned. Even though he's the only boy who really sticks out in memories in my early elementary days I know that I hung out with the guys a lot. I always got along with the boys better than the girls...even at a young age I couldn't handle the ridiculous drama that goes along with a lot of female relationships, not to mention I was a bit of a tomboy...I didn't really do the doll or barbie thing (unless I was making my barbies do very naughty things). In junior high I again had 1 close guy friend. His name was Channing and I think I liked him. He was actually the first guy that I slow danced with...sorry, getting all nostalgic talking about the past! Anyway, again, he was one of my closet friends. I always felt very comfortable around him. There were other guys that I was friends with but I wouldn't say that I was close to them. I never really thought much about guys growing up. I hung out with my male friends and kind of left the rest of the boys to themselves. Sure, there was always the cute boy in the class but other than that I never really thought much about them.
When I got to high school I think things definitely changed. In high school, my closest friends for the most part were girls. There were guys that I was around a lot and we were friends but looking back none of them were terribly close friends. I didn't really spend any time with guys in high school outside of group things. We either did things as friends in a group or we were in the same activities and hung out at practices, church things, competitions etc. I think for the average person, high school is where their relationships with the opposite sex change from having friendly overtones to romantic. For me, not so much. It's kind of hard to admit, and a lot of people think it's really, really weird, but I've never been in a relationship with a guy. I first noticed in high school that I had a lot of 1-sided crushes. The guys that I liked didn't like me and the guys who liked me were usually creepy old or way to freaking young. Hell, I got hit on by one of our student teachers when I was 15! I constantly get hit on by men who are my parents age or older. While this can be creepy at times, at least its not illegal. When I was 21, there was a 17 year old boy from back home who seriously wanted me to be his girlfriend...it lasted for a summer and I had to stop being his friend because it just got weird. The summer before I started grad school (mind you, I was almost 23) a 16 year old asked me out...eeewww! I guess what I'm trying to get at is that boys my age didn't really like me.
When I got to college, this trend did not stop. I would meet guys, they would think I was great (I'm a chick who likes to talk sports, I'm not overly moody or dramatic which can be a rare find in college aged women) and I would end up in the friend role (mind you, this whole time the old guys were still hitting on me in full force). I actually had a friend who once told me that if I was serious about having a relationship I would have to meet the guy on a blind date because no man that got to know me he would want to date me, I'd just be a friend...ouch (she thought she was trying to be helpful, I wanted to rip off her face). I try not to let her words infuriate me, and I try to not let my total lack of dating bother me, there are still times when it would be nice to know that there was or at least will be, one guy who likes me. On the much brighter side, I do have some really amazing guy friends right now. In my group of friends there are a handful of boys who I love dearly and would not change my relationship with for any sum of money...for the most part!
I think my whole life I've had normal friendships with boys. My romantic aspirations are farily dysfunctional but I've learned to live with that...it's nothing new. I guess when all is said and done, I choose to be happy about what wonderful friendships I have in my life and try to ignore everything else. Some days its easier than others but I just keep telling myself that people don't die from being single so it's pretty unlikely that I will!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Whoa...
I have some serious catching up to do! I guess I'll just dig in. First, I really don't think that I have an addictive personality. I honestly don't think that I am a workaholic, shopaholic, alcoholic or that I'm money, sex, anything else obsessed. Maybe I'm deluding myself but I feel like I've got things pretty much in check, with the exception of the food thing. Maybe food really is my vice...interesting.
Now, something that I can converse effortlessly about is the relationship that I have with my family members. I guess the most important thing to say here is that I feel (to me at least) that I am one of the luckiest people in the world when it comes to family. Even considering that I come from a 'broken' and doubly 'rebuilt' home I feel that I have a very stable family life. My mom, brother and sister are the 3 most important people in my life and I love them more that I can say. I would lay my life down for any of them. My parent's divorced when I was 4, Karla was 5 and Cody was 2. For 10 years it was the three of us looking out for and taking care of each other. We all had to grow up very quickly (I could do laundry, any household chore and cook a meal by the time I was in 1st grade), a fact that haunts my mother still today, but none of us kids would change. And while we are still siblings and mother and child, at the end of the day we are the best of friends. There is nothing that we can't and don't talk about. At times that can be scary but it really is an amazing thing. My mom is my guide post for everything I do. The worst thing in the world I could ever imagine doing is disappointing her, I won't EVER let that happen. My brother and sister are my best friends and I never have to be anything but myself for them. I never have to apologize for being bitchy, moody, insane, or just down right mean (hey we all have our moments) and its the same for them and me. I could keep going on and on but I think you get the idea.
My relationship with my dad and step-mom is a little different. At times we get along really well but there is always this air of us never being good enough for them. I'm sure that we read too much into it but it seems like they have their life with her girls and we're the family member's they pull out for the holidays. Maybe that's not fair to say but it's how I feel. I do not doubt for a moment that my dad loves me but sometimes it's hard not wonder. I know I'm not totally blameless in this relationship but I'm not to blame entirely either. It honestly makes me very sad that I don't have as good of a relationship with my dad as my mom. It physically hurts me to admit (and I've never told anybody but my sister this before) that I love my mom more than my dad, again it doesn't mean that I don't love my dad with all my heart, it's just not that same relationship that I have with my mom.
As far as the rest of my siblings go I get along with the rest of them. They're all crazy in their own unique ways but we all are. There are times when I want to murder them or just smack them probably but again, we're siblings...it's going to happen. I love my sister-in-law and my nieces and nephews are simply adorable.
I get along very well the the grandparents. I was so, so, SO lucky as a kid to be raised near both sets of my grandparents. I can talk to my dads folks with ease...even now. They are so supportive and love all of us so much. Their only complaint is that we don't call enough...I feel bad about that. Sadly my mom's parents are gone but they really taught us everything we know about family. It says something pretty special about a man and woman who can move their family from Europe to America with only 2 suitcases and build a legacy that keeps growing to this day. I am the furthest person from home and there are hundreds of us. We still get together for every major holiday and just for the hell of it all the time (even without the grandparents). I can easily converse and enjoy the company of any of my aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins' kids etc. I really think what we have is so very special. We know that no matter what, the whole family is there for us. You pick on one of us, you deal with all of us. It's a great feeling. Having said that, my dad's side of the family...not so much. My dad and his sister barely speak to one another and when they do it's not full of love. I barely see my cousin's on that side and quite frankly, that doesn't bother me. Besides my grandparents, nobody on that side of the family is very family oriented so we just never had the opportunity to be close. It's kind of sad when you compare it to the other side of my family.
When all is said and done, I am a very lucky girl. I think I commented on all of the family relationships I was supposed to...if not I'll try to at a later date. I was going to talk about my friends here also but I think I'll take Jenny's direction and just do another entry...keep things easier that way!
Now, something that I can converse effortlessly about is the relationship that I have with my family members. I guess the most important thing to say here is that I feel (to me at least) that I am one of the luckiest people in the world when it comes to family. Even considering that I come from a 'broken' and doubly 'rebuilt' home I feel that I have a very stable family life. My mom, brother and sister are the 3 most important people in my life and I love them more that I can say. I would lay my life down for any of them. My parent's divorced when I was 4, Karla was 5 and Cody was 2. For 10 years it was the three of us looking out for and taking care of each other. We all had to grow up very quickly (I could do laundry, any household chore and cook a meal by the time I was in 1st grade), a fact that haunts my mother still today, but none of us kids would change. And while we are still siblings and mother and child, at the end of the day we are the best of friends. There is nothing that we can't and don't talk about. At times that can be scary but it really is an amazing thing. My mom is my guide post for everything I do. The worst thing in the world I could ever imagine doing is disappointing her, I won't EVER let that happen. My brother and sister are my best friends and I never have to be anything but myself for them. I never have to apologize for being bitchy, moody, insane, or just down right mean (hey we all have our moments) and its the same for them and me. I could keep going on and on but I think you get the idea.
My relationship with my dad and step-mom is a little different. At times we get along really well but there is always this air of us never being good enough for them. I'm sure that we read too much into it but it seems like they have their life with her girls and we're the family member's they pull out for the holidays. Maybe that's not fair to say but it's how I feel. I do not doubt for a moment that my dad loves me but sometimes it's hard not wonder. I know I'm not totally blameless in this relationship but I'm not to blame entirely either. It honestly makes me very sad that I don't have as good of a relationship with my dad as my mom. It physically hurts me to admit (and I've never told anybody but my sister this before) that I love my mom more than my dad, again it doesn't mean that I don't love my dad with all my heart, it's just not that same relationship that I have with my mom.
As far as the rest of my siblings go I get along with the rest of them. They're all crazy in their own unique ways but we all are. There are times when I want to murder them or just smack them probably but again, we're siblings...it's going to happen. I love my sister-in-law and my nieces and nephews are simply adorable.
I get along very well the the grandparents. I was so, so, SO lucky as a kid to be raised near both sets of my grandparents. I can talk to my dads folks with ease...even now. They are so supportive and love all of us so much. Their only complaint is that we don't call enough...I feel bad about that. Sadly my mom's parents are gone but they really taught us everything we know about family. It says something pretty special about a man and woman who can move their family from Europe to America with only 2 suitcases and build a legacy that keeps growing to this day. I am the furthest person from home and there are hundreds of us. We still get together for every major holiday and just for the hell of it all the time (even without the grandparents). I can easily converse and enjoy the company of any of my aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins' kids etc. I really think what we have is so very special. We know that no matter what, the whole family is there for us. You pick on one of us, you deal with all of us. It's a great feeling. Having said that, my dad's side of the family...not so much. My dad and his sister barely speak to one another and when they do it's not full of love. I barely see my cousin's on that side and quite frankly, that doesn't bother me. Besides my grandparents, nobody on that side of the family is very family oriented so we just never had the opportunity to be close. It's kind of sad when you compare it to the other side of my family.
When all is said and done, I am a very lucky girl. I think I commented on all of the family relationships I was supposed to...if not I'll try to at a later date. I was going to talk about my friends here also but I think I'll take Jenny's direction and just do another entry...keep things easier that way!
Love Hunger #6
Ok, this is my last blog for today....I promise! I just wanted to finish this section of my notes so things stay organized. The topic still pertains to relationships but now it pertains to friends and the opposite sex.
Were your relationships with the opposite sex in junior high good, painful, or indifferent? Did you have close friends that were of the opposite sex? I had good relationships with boys in junior high. I really liked boys at this point in my life. I had "dated" a guy named Perry during 6th-8th grade but then the dumb ass quit school or got kicked out. He was a very bad influence on me. He did illegal stuff but somehow didn't lead me astray. I still did very well in school, played sports, and played in band. I remember being so bummed when he broke up with me the summer after 8th grade but god knows what would have happened if he stuck around Waukon. I always tell my friends that they should have hit me over the head with a 2x4 when I was dating him. I thought I could fix him and make him a better person. I always think I can fix guys and I hate that. I also dated a dorky guy named Russ.
I did get along with many guys and had guy friends. I always felt weird about a friendship I had with our neighbor Ben. It was weird for many reasons...one of them being religious. I also developed a good friendship with my neighbor Jason when my parents moved to their current house. I had plenty of female friends too but I always enjoyed being around guys. Maybe it's the tomboy part of me.
Did anything change in high school? I had less male friends and mainly hung out with the females in my group of friends. We did have two guys in our group (Andrew and Tade) but if you knew them, you'd understand why they fit in so well with our group of chicks. No, they are not gay. They just meshed well with our personalities. We were an odd group of people. I still dated in high school. One main boyfriend was John and he was also a horrible influence. Once again I thought I could fix him but he ended up quitting school when I dated him and he really wanted me to quit playing sports so I took that as a bad sign and broke up with him. I then found another guy to try and fix....his name is Dustin. He and I hung out a lot in band and actually had a lot in common. He is Gavin's father. He and I didn't really date....we just got very close and obviously slept together. His attitude and demeanor got very weird as he approached graduation so our friendship suffered and we drew apart. I actually made the decision to stop hanging with him and cut off communication. Then I discovered I was pregnant....yikes. Surprisingly I did have two more boyfriends my senior year of high school. I was reunited with a guy I became friends with at a leadership camp in junior high and he and I dated for a year. He was in college though and it just didn't work out. I often wish I could find him now and see what he was up to...I imagine he's married now though. He was one guy that I didn't need to fix!!!! I also dated a younger guy but I broke up with him before I moved to Ames. It wasn't serious enough to deal with a long distance relationship plus his age was an issue for me. He was 16 and I think my maturity about things scared him. Yea...I'm talking about sexual maturity.
So obviously I didn't have issues hanging with or dating the opposite sex. But I had a habit of dating guys that I wanted to help or fix. I still do that now as an adult. Maybe if I'd help or fix myself, I'd have healthier relationships with others. Eureka!
Were your relationships with the opposite sex in junior high good, painful, or indifferent? Did you have close friends that were of the opposite sex? I had good relationships with boys in junior high. I really liked boys at this point in my life. I had "dated" a guy named Perry during 6th-8th grade but then the dumb ass quit school or got kicked out. He was a very bad influence on me. He did illegal stuff but somehow didn't lead me astray. I still did very well in school, played sports, and played in band. I remember being so bummed when he broke up with me the summer after 8th grade but god knows what would have happened if he stuck around Waukon. I always tell my friends that they should have hit me over the head with a 2x4 when I was dating him. I thought I could fix him and make him a better person. I always think I can fix guys and I hate that. I also dated a dorky guy named Russ.
I did get along with many guys and had guy friends. I always felt weird about a friendship I had with our neighbor Ben. It was weird for many reasons...one of them being religious. I also developed a good friendship with my neighbor Jason when my parents moved to their current house. I had plenty of female friends too but I always enjoyed being around guys. Maybe it's the tomboy part of me.
Did anything change in high school? I had less male friends and mainly hung out with the females in my group of friends. We did have two guys in our group (Andrew and Tade) but if you knew them, you'd understand why they fit in so well with our group of chicks. No, they are not gay. They just meshed well with our personalities. We were an odd group of people. I still dated in high school. One main boyfriend was John and he was also a horrible influence. Once again I thought I could fix him but he ended up quitting school when I dated him and he really wanted me to quit playing sports so I took that as a bad sign and broke up with him. I then found another guy to try and fix....his name is Dustin. He and I hung out a lot in band and actually had a lot in common. He is Gavin's father. He and I didn't really date....we just got very close and obviously slept together. His attitude and demeanor got very weird as he approached graduation so our friendship suffered and we drew apart. I actually made the decision to stop hanging with him and cut off communication. Then I discovered I was pregnant....yikes. Surprisingly I did have two more boyfriends my senior year of high school. I was reunited with a guy I became friends with at a leadership camp in junior high and he and I dated for a year. He was in college though and it just didn't work out. I often wish I could find him now and see what he was up to...I imagine he's married now though. He was one guy that I didn't need to fix!!!! I also dated a younger guy but I broke up with him before I moved to Ames. It wasn't serious enough to deal with a long distance relationship plus his age was an issue for me. He was 16 and I think my maturity about things scared him. Yea...I'm talking about sexual maturity.
So obviously I didn't have issues hanging with or dating the opposite sex. But I had a habit of dating guys that I wanted to help or fix. I still do that now as an adult. Maybe if I'd help or fix myself, I'd have healthier relationships with others. Eureka!
Love Hunger #5
This section of Love Hunger pertains to relationships in your life. The first part asks you to reflect about your relationsihps with your parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. Were those relationships good, bad, or were they indifferent?
Parents: I would say my relationship with my parents is good. However, my relationship with my dad changed after I became pregnant. I know I disappointed both of them at that time of my life but things didn't become horrible because of it. I think my continued success in high school and journey to college made them realize that I wasn't going to mess up my life because I was a young mother. I did a lot of stupid shit in junior high and high school though so I cannot believe how patient they were with me. I never figured out why I rebelled so much but it's not like I can change anything now.
Siblings: I'd have to say my relationship with my sisters is good. I admit things improved somewhat when I moved out and came to Ames. I guess people are right when they say you become closer to your family when you move away from them. I seriously think there was too much estrogen in one house when we were growing up because LeAnn and I did fight a lot. But I don't think any of our fights permanently tarnished our relationship...I think a lot of them were just part of growing up. Let me know if you disagree LeAnn. I must say that I worry about both my sisters though. I worry about my youngest sister because I think she's doing some stupid stuff (much like me back when I was younger) and I don't want her experiencing any life changing consquences due to her bad choices. I've read some inappropriate things on her cell phone texts and yea.....yikes. And yes LeAnn I worry about you because I want you to be happy and content with life. I don't want you to settle in regards to your love life because that could lead to unhappiness the rest of your life. I know I'm no relationship expert (cough cough Marshall) but I can't help being concerned.
Grandparents: I can only comment on my grandmas because both of my grandpas are deceased. I have good relationships with my grandmas and have the utmost respect for both. They took excellent care of their families and create/created warm environments so I always looked forward to visiting. With that being said....I did struggle visit my Grandma Smith when she had her apartment prior to her new nursing home environment. Due to some family circumstances, she often took care of my 2nd cousin or constantly talked about some first cousins that she also helped out. I guess in a sense I felt unimportant at times because I was independent and wasn't asking her for help. I actually became angry at times when I visited because it wasn't fair for her to be taking care of a child or adults for that matter at her old age. It's sad that she finally got a break only because she's in a nursing home now. When I became pregnant, I wasn't only scared of what my parents would think...I was scared of what my Grandma Stika would think. I was so worried about disappointing her. She has very strong beliefs and a great character and I was scared she would think less of me. I didn't have anything to worry about though because she was understanding and has supported me.
Aunts, uncles, and other family members: I cannot think of anyone I have a bad relationship with. I know a couple people that I've been unhappy with due to their behavior towards my mom. One specific aunt always treated my mom badly (I remember her crying about it after a family Christmas party) but fortunately my uncle is divorcing her. Another aunt that lives in florida kind of got on my nerves because she stopped contacting my mom due to some family issues. I cannot think of anyone I've been unhappy with due to their actions towards me. I'm concerned about many of my cousins as they deal with some adult issues that could or could not have been prevented.
Children: Ha ha, only I get to answer this one. I have to say my relationship with my son is amazing. At times it seems like we have more than just a mother-son relationship. I can tell that he and I will have a very strong friendship as he gets older. I do sometimes worry that he's acting older than he should....he doesn't behave like a typical 9 year old sometimes. I am often scared when I hear about parents that no longer speak with their children and I wonder how that can happen. I don't know what I would do if my relationship with Gavin ended or became negative. I also wonder how it may change when I meet a man or have more children in the future. I guess we'll see!
I guess I'm pretty lucky. I hear a lot stories about broken families and bad relationships but I can't think of anything similiar in my family.
Parents: I would say my relationship with my parents is good. However, my relationship with my dad changed after I became pregnant. I know I disappointed both of them at that time of my life but things didn't become horrible because of it. I think my continued success in high school and journey to college made them realize that I wasn't going to mess up my life because I was a young mother. I did a lot of stupid shit in junior high and high school though so I cannot believe how patient they were with me. I never figured out why I rebelled so much but it's not like I can change anything now.
Siblings: I'd have to say my relationship with my sisters is good. I admit things improved somewhat when I moved out and came to Ames. I guess people are right when they say you become closer to your family when you move away from them. I seriously think there was too much estrogen in one house when we were growing up because LeAnn and I did fight a lot. But I don't think any of our fights permanently tarnished our relationship...I think a lot of them were just part of growing up. Let me know if you disagree LeAnn. I must say that I worry about both my sisters though. I worry about my youngest sister because I think she's doing some stupid stuff (much like me back when I was younger) and I don't want her experiencing any life changing consquences due to her bad choices. I've read some inappropriate things on her cell phone texts and yea.....yikes. And yes LeAnn I worry about you because I want you to be happy and content with life. I don't want you to settle in regards to your love life because that could lead to unhappiness the rest of your life. I know I'm no relationship expert (cough cough Marshall) but I can't help being concerned.
Grandparents: I can only comment on my grandmas because both of my grandpas are deceased. I have good relationships with my grandmas and have the utmost respect for both. They took excellent care of their families and create/created warm environments so I always looked forward to visiting. With that being said....I did struggle visit my Grandma Smith when she had her apartment prior to her new nursing home environment. Due to some family circumstances, she often took care of my 2nd cousin or constantly talked about some first cousins that she also helped out. I guess in a sense I felt unimportant at times because I was independent and wasn't asking her for help. I actually became angry at times when I visited because it wasn't fair for her to be taking care of a child or adults for that matter at her old age. It's sad that she finally got a break only because she's in a nursing home now. When I became pregnant, I wasn't only scared of what my parents would think...I was scared of what my Grandma Stika would think. I was so worried about disappointing her. She has very strong beliefs and a great character and I was scared she would think less of me. I didn't have anything to worry about though because she was understanding and has supported me.
Aunts, uncles, and other family members: I cannot think of anyone I have a bad relationship with. I know a couple people that I've been unhappy with due to their behavior towards my mom. One specific aunt always treated my mom badly (I remember her crying about it after a family Christmas party) but fortunately my uncle is divorcing her. Another aunt that lives in florida kind of got on my nerves because she stopped contacting my mom due to some family issues. I cannot think of anyone I've been unhappy with due to their actions towards me. I'm concerned about many of my cousins as they deal with some adult issues that could or could not have been prevented.
Children: Ha ha, only I get to answer this one. I have to say my relationship with my son is amazing. At times it seems like we have more than just a mother-son relationship. I can tell that he and I will have a very strong friendship as he gets older. I do sometimes worry that he's acting older than he should....he doesn't behave like a typical 9 year old sometimes. I am often scared when I hear about parents that no longer speak with their children and I wonder how that can happen. I don't know what I would do if my relationship with Gavin ended or became negative. I also wonder how it may change when I meet a man or have more children in the future. I guess we'll see!
I guess I'm pretty lucky. I hear a lot stories about broken families and bad relationships but I can't think of anything similiar in my family.
Love Hunger #4
Hey Ladies-
It's 1:16am and I cannot sleep. I'm watching a show about hauntings so that's not helping either! It has been a tough several days. My worries about my thesis are eating away at the lining of my stomach and my sanity. Due to this stress my eating has gone down hill. I stopped caring at the end of last week. It's funny how one aspect of your life can totally wreck other areas of your life. But many times during each day, I get a pang of logical thinking where I say to myself, "What the hell are you doing? Sure you can't control your thesis right now but I can control what I'm putting in my mouth and my activity level." I usually start thinking correctly after I eat something "bad". I regret and think about my unwise decisions for a bit and then slip back into my bad, stressful mood. I will sleep and respond better to my thesis stressors if I just get myself back in line with eating.
The next section of Love Hunger pertains to addictions. You are asked to think about any other areas in your life that may be plagued with addiction. Are you addicted to money? Do you work constantly and think you always have to be making money? Do you worry and constantly save because you never think you'll have enough? I admit I worry about money (who doesn't lately) but I don't think I have an addiction associated with it.
Are you a workaholic? Do you have to perfect everything you do at your job? Do you constantly bring your work home with you? Do you revert to housecleaning frequently? I believe I used to be a workaholic when it came to school work. I remember when I would redo homework or go beyond the requirements of assignments. I do think I could do more work during the normal hours of 8am-4pm and do less at night.
Are you addicted to shopping? Do you shop when you're emotional? When you don't have the funds? Do you feel guilty after you shop? This is not an issue for me. I don't shop for myself very often. I often buy Gavin new clothes before I consider myself. I'll eagerly spend money on someone else before I spend it on myself.
Any other addictions you can think of? I sometimes think my relationship with my computer is addictive. I feel the need to chat each night. It can be a huge waste of time most nights. Except when I chat with you guys!
I'm going to create another entry now in order to keep topics separate. I don't want entries to get super long either.
It's 1:16am and I cannot sleep. I'm watching a show about hauntings so that's not helping either! It has been a tough several days. My worries about my thesis are eating away at the lining of my stomach and my sanity. Due to this stress my eating has gone down hill. I stopped caring at the end of last week. It's funny how one aspect of your life can totally wreck other areas of your life. But many times during each day, I get a pang of logical thinking where I say to myself, "What the hell are you doing? Sure you can't control your thesis right now but I can control what I'm putting in my mouth and my activity level." I usually start thinking correctly after I eat something "bad". I regret and think about my unwise decisions for a bit and then slip back into my bad, stressful mood. I will sleep and respond better to my thesis stressors if I just get myself back in line with eating.
The next section of Love Hunger pertains to addictions. You are asked to think about any other areas in your life that may be plagued with addiction. Are you addicted to money? Do you work constantly and think you always have to be making money? Do you worry and constantly save because you never think you'll have enough? I admit I worry about money (who doesn't lately) but I don't think I have an addiction associated with it.
Are you a workaholic? Do you have to perfect everything you do at your job? Do you constantly bring your work home with you? Do you revert to housecleaning frequently? I believe I used to be a workaholic when it came to school work. I remember when I would redo homework or go beyond the requirements of assignments. I do think I could do more work during the normal hours of 8am-4pm and do less at night.
Are you addicted to shopping? Do you shop when you're emotional? When you don't have the funds? Do you feel guilty after you shop? This is not an issue for me. I don't shop for myself very often. I often buy Gavin new clothes before I consider myself. I'll eagerly spend money on someone else before I spend it on myself.
Any other addictions you can think of? I sometimes think my relationship with my computer is addictive. I feel the need to chat each night. It can be a huge waste of time most nights. Except when I chat with you guys!
I'm going to create another entry now in order to keep topics separate. I don't want entries to get super long either.
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