Hi ladies. Before you read further I just want to let you know that this isn't a happy blog. I'm having some problems but I don't want to stress my family out with my concerns. They are already so worried about me being out here in Michigan by myself and I'm afraid that if I tell them how hard of a time I'm having they will worry more and not one of them needs any additional stress right now.
I love my Luther friends with all of my heart but they are not the mushy let's talk about strong emotions kind of people. Programming languages and operating systems yes, strong grief...not so much. I just can't imagine talking about my true feelings about Mom with any of them. I even have a hard time discussing how I'm really feeling with Jessica who is, and has been my best friend for almost nine years. Jessica and I are so similar in many ways but we work as well as we do because of the differences we have also. This is a big one. I'm all about emotion and getting it out there. She's not. Love her to death but this is something she doesn't do well. Maybe I'm not being fair to her but that's how I feel right now. Anyway, I am turning to you. In the past I have shared things with you that I have not shared with anybody else and now I'm doing it again.
I am not OK. Over the last two years I have perfected my public persona of the always happy, always positive, doesn't let life get to her kind of girl. Maybe it's not just the last two years. I'm starting to think I've spent my whole life portraying this girl. In every college recommendation letter written, in every job reference, on every review I've ever had I always hear the same thing. You're always so happy and smile all of the time...she's such a positive girl who can get through any tough situation. Most of the time this is true. I am an optimist by nature. I know that there are things out of my control and that the way I respond will determine if hardships become something that will break or make me. Ladies, I'm not going to lie. I cannot be positive about this right now. I'm having a hard time feeling positive about anything right now. When I'm at work I have distractions and I can almost pretend that I'm not drowning in my own life but when 5 o'clock rolls around and I head home there are no more distractions. I'm not going to lie. Technically I'm not anymore alone than I was before my mom died but suddenly alone scares me. It feels so much more depressing and cold than it did before. I can't shake the feeling that I might be alone forever and that I might never feel truly happy again. I know it's probably just me giving into my melodramatic tendencies but whatever these feelings are, they are real and they are there. I go to bed every night hoping that I can fall asleep right away because if I don't I start to think about Mom and the tears begin to fall. I end every night in uncontrollable sobs. The worst part is, is that the tears don't help, they make me feel worse. I feel like I'm letting Mom down. She would want me to be strong but I just can't be strong right now. I don't know how. All I want is for someone to wrap me up in their arms and tell me that everything is going to be alright but I don't have anybody here to do that. Chris is my only friend here and not only do I not want to burden her with my problems when she's going through so much of her own, but she is more of a pluck up and move on kind of person. Trust me, I would love nothing more than to pluck up and move on but I am finding it really hard to do that.
I know it's only been one month, one month ago today was the last time I talked to my mom. I talked to her right before she went into surgery. She told me she loved me...if I had known that that would be the last time I was going to hear her say that I would have made her say it again 1000 times. I will never hear those words again. I will never get to feel her arms around me, hugging me and telling me everything is going to be alright. I will never get random cards and packages from her in the mail. I will never get to hear her laugh. It physically hurts me when I think about these things. I makes me sick to my stomach. I just really want more time that I know I cannot have. I heard a song on the radio yesterday called 'I Still Miss You.' I know that it was written to convey the pain of losing romantic love but it so much my life right now. There is a line in the song about how he didn't realize his love was written on every page until she was gone and it's so true. No matter what I do to try and keep her out of my head right now I can't. My mom hated Taylor Swift, despised her with all of her heart. If I hear one of her songs on the radio, I cannot turn it off. I see ads for Indian restaurants and regret that I didn't make Bob take us there the night she wanted to try it. I see or hear these little things and I get that catch in my throat, you know the one when you're on the verge of tears but they won't quite come? I'm scared to even listen to the radio before work because who knows what song will set me off. The song talks about giving up everything just for one more minute with his love. I have to be honest ladies, there is nothing I wouldn't give up for one more minute with my mom. I would sell every possession and give away every dime just to hear her voice or hear her laugh. I want to tell her that I love her and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that she can hear me. I find myself saying I want, I want, I want. I know it's really selfish but there it is.
I know a lot of people who have lost a parent young like I did. Half of my cousins have been in this very place. They told us that it would eventually get better and I believe them. The pain will never go away but it will change and get better. I just wish I had people here to help me cope. I have never felt more alone in my life than I feel now. On top of everything else I'm having serious financial issues regarding student loans. I know the loan stuff will get worked out but it just seems so much more daunting with everything else that's been going on. They say when it rains it pours...I am ready for the storm to be over. I could really use some serious sunshine right about now.
OK, I have vented enough. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm sorry to been so negative, I know that there are people who have a lot more trouble in their lives than I do I just feel very overwhelmed right now. I think I might talk to someone at church. The Vineyard has a program called Stephen Ministry and basically they have members of the congregation who take an extensive course in empathy, listening and healing. It's a free service and I think I could really benfit from someone to talk to here. I don't want you ladies to worry about me, that wasn't the point of this blog I just really needed to get things out. I'm going to be OK, just not today.
2 comments:
It really does suck that you are so far from your friends and family. This might seem drastic, but is there anyway you can move? Is it possible to find work in Iowa? I think enough has happened that moving closer is understandable. Death of a loved one is not something to "get over." (Since I don't really know how it feels) I would say it's like an ache that you have for at least a year, but gradually decreases. Just as you can't ignore a constant ache, you can ignore the pain and suffering of a lost loved one. Life often gets in the way of grieving. You were most likely forced to get back to life and work, before you could mentally heal. It doesn't help that you have little to no support system in Michigan. I agree that the Stephen Ministry might be worth trying.
It's unfair that you lost your mom and that you were unable to say good-bye. No one should expect you to be Miss Mary Sunshine. I hope the tears and fears diminish with time. As I said, life gets in the way of our feelings sometimes, like your loan situation. Sorry to hear of your overwhelming depression. I'm glad you shared on the blog, do so whenever you need or want. P.S. Your mom was spot on about Taylor Swift.
I know the nature of your blog was not positive but I'm glad you took the time and initiative to release those feelings, fears, and thoughts. I know what it feels like to not want to burden others with worries and negative emotions. I want you to call or contact me anyway you seem appropriate when you need to talk about your grief.
You and I are going to figure out when I'm visiting you this fall. I want to fly out on a Friday and come back to Iowa on a Sunday or Monday. Hopefully I can get it to work with my schedule and Gavin's schedule.
Right when I started reading the blog, I immediately thought about suggesting you speak to someone at your church. I know it can be tough opening up to someone that you don't know well but that program sounds very appropriate. I hope you choose to try that....pronto.
I don't think your Mom sees your release of emotion as "letting her down". She'd be more upset if you didn't let yourself feel and grieve appropriately. It hurts and feels awful but your tendency to become upset after 5pm is your way of coping. And you're right....it's happening because you are no longer distracted by work at the end of the day. I'm not going to say it will get easier...you'll have to see how your coping mechanisms change over time. But letting go emotionally at the end of the work day and at night is how you're releasing all your pain and grief. It hurts your Mom to see you in so much pain but she wants you to cope and grief appropriately.
Like I said before....you can call me WHENEVER. I'll take a call at 5pm, midnight, or 4am. I'll get my butt online more often now that life is becoming more routine so we can chit chat on MSN. Just let me know when you need me.
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