Fallen off the bandwagon and need to get back on...

The title pretty much explains how the end of my August has been. I was doing really well and then not so much. I need to get my butt back in gear and the only way that's going to happen is by sheer willpower. Nobody and nothing else can help me get back on track. I have the information I need, I have a plan, I have the tools to execute said plan. Now I just need to man up and do it. September starts tomorrow and with September comes a new beginning.

Having said that I need to move on. No need to drone on about my laziness. Today I actually want to write about and discuss a very serious topic. I've been thinking about this for a while and I need to get it out there. So class, today we are going to talk about the dangers of 'gateway drugs.'

I remember in middle school, high school and college sitting in class, usually a health type class, and being lectured on about the dangers and evils of gateway drugs. While we might have though that smoking cigarettes and drinking Boone's Farm wine on the weekends was just part of being a teenager, our teachers highly stressed that this was only the first step on the road to trying pot, meth and other harder drugs. Not only could these seemingly less than dangerous drugs (if they could even be called that) lead to harder, more dangerous substances, it could also ruin your life. I had a teacher in high school who could pretty much draw a straight line from sneaking beer from your parents to pimping yourself out for coke on a street corner. We were taught young and we were taught vigilantly to just say no. It could save your life after all.

You'll be happy to know that through middle school and high school I was able to stave off the evils of gateway drugs. I have never, to this day, even taken one puff of a cigarette and I managed to survive my college years without becoming a binge drinker. Now, you might be sitting there asking yourselves why I'm talking about a random topic like gateway drugs in a weight loss blog. Fear not, I'm not planning on becoming a meth addict to help me lose weight, it's much to expensive. I have, however had a revelation.

First, let's define gateway drug. A gateway drug is a fairly benign substance who's use may lead to a future risk of using more dangerous hard drugs. In school gateway drugs were only ever talked about in reference to controlled substances. What if, however, we applied this gateway concept to other aspects of life. Maybe we can look at all facets of life in the gateway perspective. In my life right now, I know that I have a major gateway drug, pop. It might sound odd but I feel like by allowing myself to give into my pop temptations I find it more difficult to stand firm in my eating overall. What is it about this cold, bubbly drink that makes me so weak? I don't understand how a beverage with no alcohol can be so addicting. I can't even claim the caffeine is what's making me crave it because I often opt for pops without caffeine in them. However, whether I understand it or not, I can clearly see how this substance can lead to my downfall in regards to weight loss. Once I start drinking pop, I start to eat out. Once I get in the habit of letting myself eat out two or three times a week, it's easier to eat out three of four times a week. Suddenly I've left my world and passed into Gluttonville. I'm thinking that's what this gateway business is all about.

I can see it with my physical activity as well. I'll be doing really well in regards to appropriate activity levels and then something will happen. I'll get sick and spend a few days in bed or have a trip home where I don't do a lot of exercising per se. Or I'll just be really tired and opt for another 40 minutes of sleep as opposed to getting in an early morning workout. Whatever the reason, I take a break in my routine and I suddenly lose motivation and desire to continue. I leave the right track and take a nosedive into Slothville. Gateway...AGAIN!! While these examples might not look like the stories we heard in our school days, I think that they accurately represent the gateway theory.

So, what is a girl supposed to do? As I've been thinking about the negative side affects of the gateway theory, I've been wondering if we could have positive applications of it in our lives as well. I know that when I gave up eating out for Lent last year it was very difficult for me to eat out again when I could let myself. I had gone a full 40 days and nights without going to a restaurant of any kind and when the family went out when I was home for Dean's wedding and Easter I was actually wishing we had just eaten in. I know when I was really persistent with my daily work outs I was really frustrated when I missed a day for whatever reason. I don't know if you can count cooking at home and daily work outs as a gateway drug but maybe we just need to become away of the fact that we are suceptible to these gateway demons and try and cut them out of our lives as much as possible. Unlike with real drugs it's probably not possible to cut them out entirely. We have to eat and there are situations where we are going to have to eat out (for a family or work function possibly) but I think the idea is to work on really limiting the exposure to this temptation. The same goes with pop consumption and days off from our work out. I guess the ultimate goal is to just be really aware of these distractions and to make sure that we stay the course even in the face of temptation.

OK, I think that's it for now. I know you ladies have been busy getting back to work. I hope that your September slows down and you're able to get back into a routine that makes you happy with all areas of your life. Have a great week and month!

Busy as a Beaver

Hey all:

TGIF...I am so happy that tomorrow is Friday. My week has gotten easier thank goodness. I was very panicky and had high anxiety on Monday and Tuesday. Today was the second day I taught my main classes and it went so well. I'm so grateful that I'm teaching courses that I had last fall. I am extremely familiar with the content so I'm very comfortable in front of my new students. Several of my students are in all three of my courses this fall.

I still have A LOT of organization to do for my new job. My office is in disarray. The space as acquired so much "stuff" over the years. The physical activity coordinator from 3 years ago (he held the job for several years) collected lots of paper, files, books, etc. and I need to sort through it all to see what should be kept. The lady that held the job last year also added to the office too. I have big plans for the space but it's going to take a lot of time.

I have not done squat yet for my DMACC course. I need to work on that over the weekend. DMACC is having technical difficulties with online classes too. Half of my course is supposed to be online....grrrr. I hope they have things figured out by next Wednesday when I start teaching.

I've been so busy....I haven't put any focus on my weight loss or lifestyle changes. When I'm settled at night, it gives me time to think about it and I feel rather disappointed. I'm still very intimidated at work since I'm surrounded by slim, fit people all the time. With my new job, I'm even more visible now so I've been very self-conscious. I need to set aside periods of time each day and work out. Even if it's only going for a walk on campus. I'm hoping I can use the weight room and exercise clinic in the Kinesiology Department too.

It's also crazy that August is almost done. Jon and I will have been together 10 months on September 4th. It actually seems longer than that. I'm hoping we can go camping on a weekend in September.

Hope everyone enjoys the weekend!!!

A spiritual blog was promised and a spiritual blog you will get...

Hello all! I think the last time I blogged I mentioned that I had a more spiritual topic in mind for an entry. Well, today is your lucky day, I am going to be talking about Ecclesiastes!!! I can just feel the excitement!

About three weeks ago I had a minor breakdown that lead to a rather emotional blog. I know this is all part of the healing process so I'm OK with that. I've always been taught that when you're having a difficult time that you should turn to your friends and family for comfort, which I did, and they all came through for me...which they always do. However, over the years I have developed a very strong connection to my faith, which I don't think people always realize when they meet me. I often times don't fit the profile of a deeply rooted Christian because of certain social beliefs that I hold but I find that my religion is a core component of the person I am and the person I wish to become.

Over the years I've heard countless stories of people who have had personal and deeply spiritually moments in their lives when they knew that God was not only listening to their prayers but also guiding them to find what He wanted, whether it be a certain path in life, comfort, guidance, motivation, acceptance etc. The day that I blogged I was having a really hard time dealing with the emotions surrounding my mom's death. I did a lot of praying that day for acceptance and understanding and in the event that that was not to come for peace and comfort from the pain. In the spirit of full disclosure, I do not just sit and read from my Bible often, I know I should do more Bible study but I just haven't done that. However, since my mom's passing I have devoted more time to this. Anyway, that night I prayed, even before opening my Bible that God would lead me to a passage that would help me to come to terms with what was happening in my life. After praying, I picked up my Bible, closed my eyes, slid my hand up the side and randomly opened it to Ecclesiastes, chapter 3. I've heard this passage, in some form or another, probably 1000 times in my life. When I was in 8th grade my solo contest solo was based on this scripture. There was even a hit song in the 60's taken entirely from this chapter, you know the one (Turn, Turn, Turn)! How was it that I have lived my whole life knowing the words to this passage and have yet never stopped to think about the meaning?!?!?

When I first read through this passage it was with haste and a bit of confusion. I knew this passage and didn't understand why this is where I was directed. Everybody who's ever gone to Sunday school or who owns a radio knows:

To Everything there is a season and a time to every purpose

2 He sets the time for birth and the time for death,
the time for planting and the time for pulling up,
3 the time for killing and the time for healing,
the time for tearing down and the time for building.
4 He sets the time for sorrow and the time for joy,
the time for mourning and the time for dancing,
5 the time for making love and the time for not making love,
the time for kissing and the time for not kissing.
6 He sets the time for finding and the time for losing,
the time for saving and the time for throwing away,
7 the time for tearing and the time for mending,
the time for silence and the time for talk.
8 He sets the time for love and the time for hate,
the time for war and the time for peace.

As I read and reread this passage, I started to focus on different verses. Initially I was focusing on verse 2. There is a time for birth and a time for death, a time for planting and pulling. I get that, we come and then we go. This is just a fact of life, a fact of life that I know far to well. Merely stating that there is a time for death doesn't make the death of a beloved mother any less painful. But then, I started to read this passage and think not about how it pertains to my mom but how it pertains to me. There is a time for sorrow (which happens to be right now) but there is also a time for joy (which I had and will have again). Right now is my time for mourning but there will come again a day when I feel like dancing! My time for war is right now, and I'm not talking about the war where one needs long range missiles, hand grenades and armored tanks to survive. It's more of a war within myself as I try to accept everything and move on. As the war dies down it will once again lead to peace. Suddenly, I not only saw more meaning in this passage than I ever had, but more importantly, it was helping me cope.

I then took the time to read more slowly and more thoughtfully the rest of this chapter (yes, there is more than The Byrds let on). In the remaining paragraph of chapter 3 I found even more words of comfort:

9 What do we gain from all our work? 10 I know the heavy burdens that God has laid on us. 11 He has set the right time for everything. He has given us a desire to know the future, but never gives us the satisfaction of fully understanding what he does.12 So I realized that all we can do is be happy and do the best we can while we are still alive. 13 All of us should eat and drink and enjoy what we have worked for. It is God's gift.

As I read these words I felt even more connected to this scripture. In chapter 3 King Solomon writes 'I know the heavy burdens God has laid on us...He has given us a desire to know but never gives us the satisfaction of fully understanding what he does.' Oh my gosh...this is what I was feeling, exactly. Right there. I wanted to know why my mom was taken but I couldn't figure it out. I still don't understand but I think the point is that it's not for me to understand, at least not right now. Right now I just need to focus on my path and when it is time for me to know, I will.

Anyway, that's what I wanted to share with you all. I read through this passage a few times each week, normally right before bed and just cling to my belief that God is good and his timing is perfect. Each day gets a little bit easier and I know that she's watching over all of us as we continue to move on.

BINGO!

My blog entry is similar to LeAnn's as we participated in Czech Days together this weekend. It was nice to pack up after work on Friday and leave town after picking Gavin up from school. Sadly we had to head to my uncle's visitation in Waukon. After spending time with family at the funeral home, we ate at a restaurant in town that no longer gets my vote. The service sucked and the food was horrible. It's a pity that a place like that cannot do better to serve Waukon. I try to make eating out a treat and that place turned my treat to trash.

Czech Days was fun like always. I only won Bingo once. The heat of the day sucked but it was nice to see family. Some of our cousins from Oklahoma were up visiting. I miss the old days when we were younger because my cousin Lori has changed so much since she's gotten married and become a mother. I cannot imagine how she raises 4 kids under the age of 8. I wasn't "wowed" by the food at the festival because the common foods like chicken noodle soup, brats, rib eye sandwiches, and pork sandwiches don't trip my trigger. I got my usual creamed chicken meal and it was too rich for me.

I agree with LeAnn that there isn't a lot going on during the month of August but Czech Days certainly is a high point for me. I'd like to say the State Fair is a high point too but I usually get more excited about a concert at the State Fair...not the fair itself.

ISU starts tomorrow so I'm excited to start a routine and get into the groove of things. I'll have to be present on campus a lot more since I'm supposed to be easily accessible in case graduate students need assistance the first week or so. I'm used to teaching my classes and leaving campus to work at home a lot. I'll need to make good use of my office, which hopefully means I can keep my work at work. I only want to work on DMACC materials at home.

Hope everyone else has a good start to their week!

Sentimentality

Hey Ladies:

The end of the week is approaching and I'm very ok with that. I got a lot of prep work done for my classes and my new job. Still have plenty to do next week when the actual semester starts. I have meetings to attend tomorrow and that's about it. Hopefully I can get my caboose home shortly after 2pm so I can make any necessary preparations before I head to LeAnn's place. Hopefully Gavin remembers not to get on the bus after school.

Today was the first day I truly worked in my new office. It was kind of surreal believe it or not. I've had many offices in the Kinesiology department. Most have been pretty removed from the main hallway the faculty uses. I've purposely been using the lab off the gym I use for Swim & Gym. It allowed me to "hide" from others in the department and just focus on the classes I taught. Now I'm in the main hallway with all the professors and faculty. In 2002 (8 freaking years ago), I was traveling down that hall to visit my professors. In 2006, I was wandering the hall...once again visiting professors for my Masters Degree. And now, the fall of 2010 I have an office in that hallway and immense responsibility. I honestly never thought I'd be where I am today. I knew I'd probably lecture for the PE Licensure program for awhile but didn't think I'd be called on to handle more duties in the department. I'm grateful I got the opportunity though because it will lead to job security. We may have an actual professor coming into the department in January and she will take over some of my classes. My Physical Activity Coordinator job will help keep me at full time status.

When I left work, the new students on campus were having a rally of some sort. It was fairly obvious because they were chanting the "Cyclone.....Power" thing they do at football games. It was another thing that made me thankful for my current situation. I'd love to hear those sounds every time I walk to my car at the end of the day.

I wish I could say I was going to relax this weekend before the start of classes on Monday but that's not the case. We will partake in Czech Days on Saturday but I have to drive back to Ames sadly that day. I have to work on Sunday with some trainings for my CPR instructors. Bleh. I haven't started any prep for my DMACC class either. Sigh.

I am anxious to produce some healthy lifestyle-based blogs soon. I'll write one next week :)

Happy birthday Mamma!

I would like to start my blog by wishing my mom a happy birthday. She would have been 50 today and I know that somewhere she is busy celebrating with all of the people she loves who are gone from here. Today hasn't been the easiest of days on anybody in the family. It feels so wrong to not be able to call her up and wish her a happy day. Not to mention I don't get to harass her about the fact that she's turning 50. I took today off of work because I wasn't sure how I was going to be feeling and it was probably a good thing. I had some moments today when there were tears but I had a chance to talk to family so it helped. I'm doing pretty well right now. My friend Chris and I went out for dinner tonight in honor of Mom's life...it was really nice to get out, not to mention very tasty!

Things have actually been going really well for me in regards to my lifestyle changes. In a previous blog I mentioned that my goal was to lose, on average, 5 pounds each month. I am just about to make my goal for August. It doesn't surprise me that I'm meeting my goal early this month, it's always easier to lose in the first few months. I've been trying to eat better and I have been working really hard to meet my goal of working out each morning before work. I'm not going to lie. The first two weeks of the month were not so great. I was finding it hard to actually get up in the mornings to do my work outs. I think it was partially because I wasn't really sleeping well at night and therefore found it difficult to get up in the mornings. Well, I've started sleeping better and now I'm finding it more manageable to get up when I want. Actually want is probably too strong of a word, I don't think anybody actually wants to get up at 5:40. I just keep telling myself that the more mornings I get up and work out, the more weight I'll lose. The more weight I lose the less tired I feel. The less tired I feel the motivation I'll have to get up and work out. It's a vicious cycle but I think it's one of the good vicious cycles!

Along with more exercise I've been trying to be a more conscientious eater. I've been making menus and sticking to them. I'm taking advantage of the fact that there is a lot of fresh, locally grown produce available for really good prices right now. I've eaten a salad for lunch each day the last 2 weeks. The salads are loaded with fresh veggies and I'm trying to be really careful with the dressing. I'm measuring out the dressing instead of just dumping into the bowl to make sure I know how much I'm really getting and I'm using healthier dressing selections. Now, you might be thinking that eating a salad every day for lunch is boring but I LOVE salads and there are so many ways that you can change them up to add variety to your life.

Anyway, I hope to continue on and keep doing well. I need to start thinking about what my new monthly goal with be for September as it's right around the corner. Any suggestions?

OK, I have some other things that I want to talk about, actually I have a more spiritual matter I want to discuss but I think I should save that for another blog entry. I will end here for now. I hope the rest of your week goes well!

Welcome Weekend

Hey Ladies:

Gavin and I have had a pretty low key Friday evening. We are watching a "Law and Order SVU" marathon. We are preparing to attend the Iowa State Fair tomorrow. I'm not sure what time we'll actually head down to Des Moines. I'm not exactly thrilled to deal with traffic, parking, etc. Oh and don't forget the heat. Originally we planned to head down at 8am so parking would be easier but maybe we'll leave later in the morning. The Shinedown concert isn't until 8:00pm.

I'm really not ready for next week. I actually have to start working on Sunday night because our orientation starts for our graduate students. The rest of the week is full of meetings, seminars, and more preparation for the start of classes on Aug. 23rd. The areas I need to use for my Fundamental of Outdoor Team sport are still underwater though...or severely covered with muck and sludge. Blah.

I finished "Gone with the Wind" two days ago. The book really impressed me. I do admit a few parts of the book were very slow and drawn out but the turning points were very dramatic. It also possessed many unpredictable turning points. I've never been interested in the Civil War but the inclusion of this event was the backbone of the story. It was interesting to hear the opinions and stories of soldiers and civilians in the South. I was very surprised by the ending. I'm not going to give much information about it in case you would like to read the book. I'm excited to rent the movie soon or catch it on Turner Classic Movies.

My next book is rather random. It's called "Protecting the President". It's written by two men in the secret service that worked for Johnson, Nixon, Ford, and Reagan. One of the authors actually saved Reagan when an assassination attempt occurred outside a hotel. It captured my attention more than I expected. The behind the scene facts and stories are amusing.

I am now an official employee for DMACC. I got my caboose over to Boone today to complete paperwork. I'll be teaching a class for them every Wednesday from 3:50-5:30pm about personal wellness. I still need to get organized for it and create a syllabus.

On top of all the ISU work, DMACC job, random Red Cross teaching, flag football chauffeuring, I hope to include regular exercise. We'll see how that goes.

Stay cool!

Just a chuckle for fellow bakers....

Browsing Failblog.org tonight and got a kick out of this entry...

August is Upon Us

It's been my intention to blog for some time now...especially since we started a new month. My workload is steadily gaining so I'm starting to miss the down time I had for blogging and other non-work related activities. We still have some fun stuff coming up (like the State Fair) but I really need to kick it into gear and make some headway into my work for ISU.

I took over some new duties and will be the Physical Activity Coordinator for the upcoming school year. My main duty is to ensure our physical activity classes are of high quality. I evaluate and check-in on the graduate students that teach those courses, keep tabs on inventory since those classes require various pieces of equipment, and monitor our pool setting. It should be interesting. I got a brief orientation about the position but I think I'll learn a lot just by experiencing it for a year. The grad students have mandatory meetings that I'm going to also attend so I'm on top of all the information. I actually attended the meetings way back in 2006 but I'm sure some things may have changed. I don't want anything to be unclear especially when it comes to legal aspects.

I'm teaching three classes and fortunately I taught all three last year too. I just need to organize myself so I successfully reuse all my materials correctly. I've also chosen to use WebCT so portions of each class will be online.

I really need to get my butt in gear and prepare for the semester's session of Swim & Gym. I need to start advertising and hiring for a couple vacancies on my staff. I really hope the PE students take advantage of the opportunity to work with kids and teach PE. It should be interesting. I just reminded myself that I need to find a life guard too. Uff-duh.

Now for my broken record statement....I need to get my lifestyle in order. I've been eager to buy some new clothes for work this fall but at the same time I'm leery because I'd rather be a little slimmer before doing so. I'm also eager to make changes because I have a feeling my doctor will want blood work in December when I get checked out to renew my gallbladder medication. It would be nice to have a change in my cholesterol and triglycerides. Most of all, I need to introduce physical activity into my every day life. I'm trying to think of some ideas to bring more activity in our home life and do have at least one good one. I think Nicole suggested it before. I call it the "Physical Activity Lottery". We put a bunch of feasible activities into a jar and pick one out each day (probably after school). It may not need to happen every day though, especially when the after school program starts up on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Gavin also has flag football starting up too and may not need the extra physical activity either. I know my schedule will be light on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays so I should strive to do my personal workouts on those days.

I've gone haywire with my eating too. The last few weeks have been filled with indulgences and unhealthy choices. I know I've undone some of my Weight Watcher's work. *sigh* I could also be saving A LOT of money if I'd create menus and stick to better food choices. It's so irritating that I can't always control what I put into my mouth. Grr.

Ok, this blog feels really random and unstructured but I'm going to post it anyway. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Midweek breakdown...

Hi ladies. Before you read further I just want to let you know that this isn't a happy blog. I'm having some problems but I don't want to stress my family out with my concerns. They are already so worried about me being out here in Michigan by myself and I'm afraid that if I tell them how hard of a time I'm having they will worry more and not one of them needs any additional stress right now.

I love my Luther friends with all of my heart but they are not the mushy let's talk about strong emotions kind of people. Programming languages and operating systems yes, strong grief...not so much. I just can't imagine talking about my true feelings about Mom with any of them. I even have a hard time discussing how I'm really feeling with Jessica who is, and has been my best friend for almost nine years. Jessica and I are so similar in many ways but we work as well as we do because of the differences we have also. This is a big one. I'm all about emotion and getting it out there. She's not. Love her to death but this is something she doesn't do well. Maybe I'm not being fair to her but that's how I feel right now. Anyway, I am turning to you. In the past I have shared things with you that I have not shared with anybody else and now I'm doing it again.

I am not OK. Over the last two years I have perfected my public persona of the always happy, always positive, doesn't let life get to her kind of girl. Maybe it's not just the last two years. I'm starting to think I've spent my whole life portraying this girl. In every college recommendation letter written, in every job reference, on every review I've ever had I always hear the same thing. You're always so happy and smile all of the time...she's such a positive girl who can get through any tough situation. Most of the time this is true. I am an optimist by nature. I know that there are things out of my control and that the way I respond will determine if hardships become something that will break or make me. Ladies, I'm not going to lie. I cannot be positive about this right now. I'm having a hard time feeling positive about anything right now. When I'm at work I have distractions and I can almost pretend that I'm not drowning in my own life but when 5 o'clock rolls around and I head home there are no more distractions. I'm not going to lie. Technically I'm not anymore alone than I was before my mom died but suddenly alone scares me. It feels so much more depressing and cold than it did before. I can't shake the feeling that I might be alone forever and that I might never feel truly happy again. I know it's probably just me giving into my melodramatic tendencies but whatever these feelings are, they are real and they are there. I go to bed every night hoping that I can fall asleep right away because if I don't I start to think about Mom and the tears begin to fall. I end every night in uncontrollable sobs. The worst part is, is that the tears don't help, they make me feel worse. I feel like I'm letting Mom down. She would want me to be strong but I just can't be strong right now. I don't know how. All I want is for someone to wrap me up in their arms and tell me that everything is going to be alright but I don't have anybody here to do that. Chris is my only friend here and not only do I not want to burden her with my problems when she's going through so much of her own, but she is more of a pluck up and move on kind of person. Trust me, I would love nothing more than to pluck up and move on but I am finding it really hard to do that.

I know it's only been one month, one month ago today was the last time I talked to my mom. I talked to her right before she went into surgery. She told me she loved me...if I had known that that would be the last time I was going to hear her say that I would have made her say it again 1000 times. I will never hear those words again. I will never get to feel her arms around me, hugging me and telling me everything is going to be alright. I will never get random cards and packages from her in the mail. I will never get to hear her laugh. It physically hurts me when I think about these things. I makes me sick to my stomach. I just really want more time that I know I cannot have. I heard a song on the radio yesterday called 'I Still Miss You.' I know that it was written to convey the pain of losing romantic love but it so much my life right now. There is a line in the song about how he didn't realize his love was written on every page until she was gone and it's so true. No matter what I do to try and keep her out of my head right now I can't. My mom hated Taylor Swift, despised her with all of her heart. If I hear one of her songs on the radio, I cannot turn it off. I see ads for Indian restaurants and regret that I didn't make Bob take us there the night she wanted to try it. I see or hear these little things and I get that catch in my throat, you know the one when you're on the verge of tears but they won't quite come? I'm scared to even listen to the radio before work because who knows what song will set me off. The song talks about giving up everything just for one more minute with his love. I have to be honest ladies, there is nothing I wouldn't give up for one more minute with my mom. I would sell every possession and give away every dime just to hear her voice or hear her laugh. I want to tell her that I love her and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that she can hear me. I find myself saying I want, I want, I want. I know it's really selfish but there it is.

I know a lot of people who have lost a parent young like I did. Half of my cousins have been in this very place. They told us that it would eventually get better and I believe them. The pain will never go away but it will change and get better. I just wish I had people here to help me cope. I have never felt more alone in my life than I feel now. On top of everything else I'm having serious financial issues regarding student loans. I know the loan stuff will get worked out but it just seems so much more daunting with everything else that's been going on. They say when it rains it pours...I am ready for the storm to be over. I could really use some serious sunshine right about now.

OK, I have vented enough. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm sorry to been so negative, I know that there are people who have a lot more trouble in their lives than I do I just feel very overwhelmed right now. I think I might talk to someone at church. The Vineyard has a program called Stephen Ministry and basically they have members of the congregation who take an extensive course in empathy, listening and healing. It's a free service and I think I could really benfit from someone to talk to here. I don't want you ladies to worry about me, that wasn't the point of this blog I just really needed to get things out. I'm going to be OK, just not today.

Thank God it's August...

July 2010 has been the longest month ever, even though it flew by. I am really glad that August is finally here and I'm hoping and praying for a thoroughly predictable month. Today is going to be another hard day for my family. My little brother Dean is leaving for Camp Shelby, Mississippi and this is the last time that anybody will get to see him before he leaves for Afghanistan. He should be back late next summer but it's going to be hard having him gone in such a turbulent place with everything else that's been going on. You'd think seems how this is the second time he's been in that Iraq/Afghanistan area it'd be easier to let him go but it's actually worse this time. We're just all saying our prayers, crossing our fingers and holding our breath until he is safely back at home with us. On the bright side, when he gets back his contract with the army will be nearing it's end and he'll never have to go again! I know that while he'd rather not have to go he is excited about what they'll be doing this time. He and the others will be working hand in hand with the Afghan national police. Of course it all makes me nervous but then again I think that's what big sisters are supposed to do. Anyway, if you could keep him and his fellow service men and women in your thoughts and prayers I'd really appreciate it.

Onto business...

I haven't used the blog for it's intended purpose in a while. Obviously there has been a lot going on but I am ready to try and get back into somewhat of a routine. I mentioned in my last blog entry that my sister Karla is going to be getting married in October of 2011. Well, there is an official date and I am happy to announce that I am the one who picked it! So, on October 22, 2011, a mere 2 days after my 29th birthday, my sister will become Mrs. Justin Buchholz (how are my commas LeAnn...I tend to over punctuate with my commas)!!! I am so excited and I cannot wait until we start planning everything. However, what I am not excited about is being photographed in a bridesmaids dress at my current weight. So, it's time to get back to business and start losing some pounds. I have decided that I cannot focus on my overall goal because it's too far away so I have decided that I'm going to focus on 5 pound increments and work on losing 5 pounds every month. Most researchers agree that you can safely and realistically lose 1.5-2 pounds per week so I feel that a 5 pound goal each month is a good target. If I stay on track I could, in theory be 60-75 pounds lighter than I am right now. Again, I'm not looking that far down the track right now, I'm just focusing on my five pounds for August.

Now, you might be asking yourselves how is it that I'm going to lose 5 pounds every month. I have decided that while I'm going to make overarching changes in my life, I am also going to have one specific goal for the month. For example, this month I have decided that I am going to get up a little early each day and do a 25-30 minute jump start work out each morning during the week. I figure I'll lean heavy towards the cardio with these and boost my metabolism from the get go. Each month I will add a new goal. In an attempt to make things more interactive I'm asking for some help. What are some ideas that I might be able to use for my monthly goals? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Alright, I think that's it for now. I hope you ladies are having a good week and being successful in all you do!